Sexy news

I was reading an article on Sports Illustrated's Web site about a new steroid scandal in which athletes, as well as certain famous celebrities, have been the recipients of steroids from two Orlando-based pharmacies, when something Albany County (N.Y.) District Attorney P. David Soares said struck me as funny.

"I understand that the involvement of athletes and celebrities makes this a sexy story, but I assure you we are not, at this point, we are not concerned with the celebrity factor," Soares said. "Our focus here is to shut down distribution channels."

Hell yes. I would imagine nothing is sexier to women than roid rage, horrible acne and testicles the size of raisins. But this quote got me thinking: What exactly is sexy news?

So I spent all week scouring the "Internets" for the sexiest news I could find and compiled them for you, our sexy readers, reading this sexy blog, on our sexy Collegian Web site.

Sorry, it was a hard decision, but neither Strom Thurmond, nor the Rev. Al Sharpton made it on to the list...

So here we go:

1) Nothing is more sexy than a baby tiger. Wait, did I say sexy? I meant adorable. And nothing is more adorable than baby tigers befriending baby orangutans and frolicking together at the Taman Safari zoo in India. And you know what adorable baby tigers do. They grow up into sexy adult tigers... and then they eat orangutans. Oh yeah... sexy.

2) Robert Blake used to be sexy, right? And this once-sexy (now old and frightening) actor is appealing the $30 million dollar wrongful death verdict in the death of his former wife. Nothing is sexier than Hollywood drama. Isn't that why E! entertainment channel is so popular? Wait, I was looking old pictures of Robert Blake and he was never sexy. Oh well, too late to turn back now. On to more sexiness!

3) Bratz dolls are sexy. TOO sexy some parents feel. Well, at least too sexy for young girls. Some Canadian schools have decided to sell books featuring the popular but controversial Bratz dolls, drawing the ire from psychologists and parents. I never realized Canada was so up-and-coming in the world of sexiness (disregarding Canadian "actress" Pamela Anderson). Go Canada!

4) This just in! Poly-Wall protective coatings have just jumped from a 2 to a 10 on our Collegian "Sexy-meter." Poly-Wall "goes on faster, and lasts longer." Oh yeah, that's what she said. Protective Coating Technology has just hired a design firm to make their product more sexy. Is this a trend in construction companies? We'll see. What I want to know is: How is a sealant that contractors apply to basements to prevent air and moisture from seeping in not sexy to begin with?

What to write about?

It's come to my attention recently (through the verbal jabs of one of our esteemed page designers) that lately, all I've been using this blog for is to be outraged at things that are outrageous.

Cases in point: my Barbaro post, my post about that girl who was denied birth control in jail after she was raped, my post about O.J. Simpson's book on killing his wife... and so on...

So along comes the ops page chief, Meg Rundle, and writes a post last week that completely blows any post that I've written away.

Crap...

I wouldn't say I'm competitive in nature, but I do like to write things that don't suck. And I certainly don't want people to see my name under the post line and say, "Oh I bet Alex was outraged at something again, shucks..."

I'm witty too guys, I swear. I promise that all 12 of you who actually read this blog will believe me by the end of it. (Actually I'm just hoping that we still have 12 readers by the time this post is over.)

Holy crap! Okay, I just read that Heather Mills is going to be on this season's "Dancing with the Stars" on ABC. Justifiably I hate this betty for being a nut job, and also for sullying Sir Paul McCartney's good name (I'm a Beatles fan, who isn't?).

But with all that aside, I'm wondering: Doesn't she have a huge disadvantage?

I mean, the lady only has one leg, and I'd assume that would make it difficult to compete against the likes of Clyde "The Glide" Drexler, and Olympian Apolo Anton Ohno. These guys are born athletes, AND Muhammad Ali's daughter, Laila Ali, is competing. (I'm actually, genuinely interested to see who the saint is who'll have to dance with this monster of a woman.)

So many questions are running through my head:

Aren't some of those dances pretty strenuous? How much will they penalize her if her fake leg falls off during a routine? Am I going to hell for thinking about this?

I can't see this ending well for Mills at all. In fact, if she makes it to the finals I'll take some salsa lessons at the White Building. (Remember, no one reads this blog anyway so who's going to hold me to it?)

In other news:
- The whole Anna Nicole Smith dealie is turning out to be a story fit for an afternoon soap opera. All we need now is an inordinate amount of good-looking people gathered together in one room, acting horribly to a poorly-written script. Wait, is Laguna Beach still on?

- It's a sad day for comedy, folks. No, Paris Hilton hasn't branched out into stand-up (and yes, you are still reading this blog, so comedy is obviously suffering). Two clowns were shot dead at a traveling circus in Colombia. Soooo yeah, I guess a "knocked 'em dead" joke would be entirely inappropriate at this point in time. Zing!

- And finally, the woman who threw her McDonald's (registered trademark) drink through the window of the car that cut her off received two years in jail. Look, if you're going to get two years in jail for throwing something at someone, at least keep a brick handy, I mean seriously. The carnage and destruction fitting for a two-year prison stint simply can't be met by a cup of ice. I hope someone informed this woman that those stupid fast-food joint sporks make awful skivs.

I scream, you scream . . .

It seems like lately, if you want to talk news, there are two issues of concern — What's going on in Iraq and, more importantly, who really is Dannielynn’s daddy?

I don’t care much for politics and everyone knows Trimspa fathered Anna Nicole’s child, so today’s topic, ladies and gentlemen, is found in one of the seven wonders of the world — ice cream.

Ben and Jerry’s recently announced their newest flavor "Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream," A delightful combination of vanilla ice cream with chocolate covered pieces of waffle cone. The company says those who indulge will feel "the sweet taste of liberty in your mouth."

But after thinking about all of the flavors Ben and the Jer-meister have made in honor of celebrities (Cherry Garcia, Phish Food, Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies), I couldn’t help thinking if they can do it, so can I.

So here you go ladies and gentlemen, the legends of Penn State ala mode.

Ode to Graham Cracker — Named after Dear Old State’s beloved president, this creamy concoction is combination of vanilla ice cream with a hint of fun spice. A little too smooth for some people’s liking, this dish is best served with a shot of Jamison whiskey from the Phryst.

Tricky Vicky’s Butter Pecan — Sickeningly sweet, this ice cream appears as sweet as can be. Be careful though, over-indulgence can lead to a stomach ache.

Joey P’s It’s-an-oldie-but-a-goodie Vanilla — Sure this flavor may be nothing new, but there’s a reason it’s a classic. A favorite of many alumni, this flavor is best served as a float in coke-bottle glasses.

Rene’s Rainbow Sherbet — A diverse combination of flavors, this ice cream comes at a high price ($10,000 a scoop!) Watch out for random protesters demanding fair treatment for the eating of all flavors.

Bill "I’m the Mahon’s" Rum Raisin — Note: This ice cream is liquor-free. In no way does Bill "I’m the Mahon’s" Rum Raisin condone drinking. Enjoy responsibly.

So there you go folks. Look for these items coming soon to a McLanny’s near you. In the meantime, go enjoy another State College treat: snow!

How bout a horse of a different color? (I'm talking real news here people)

On Monday one of the Collegian columnists, Chris Mueller, wrote a column that sparked a barrage of letters unlike anything I’ve ever seen here at the Collegian. What was the topic of this column, you might ask?

A stupid horse.

If you haven’t heard yet (in which case you’re illiterate and deaf, or just living in a closet playing video games all day) the equine equivalent of the Messiah died on Monday. Barbaro was a great competitor, energized the sport of horse racing for many and was an all-around amazing horse.

But he was just that: a horse.

Reading the letters we received, you would have thought Mueller had advocated the destruction of an orphanage, while the children were still in it. Someone from South Carolina threatened to do something unkind to his posterior region (yeah…I cleaned that up a bit); he was called an idiot numerous times; and was told, by people who have no knowledge of grammar or syntax, that he was a terrible writer.

I laughed at these letters at first, and then I got angry, and then I got bored. (There’s only so many ways you can call someone worthless with any sort of conviction, and the word "idiot" was worn out by the thirteenth letter.)

But now I’m angry again and with good reason. I just finished reading this wonderful column by Chris Donnely, who writes for the University of Connecticut’s paper, the Daily Campus, and he hit the nail on the head.

"Forget Barbaro, Remember Humans," is the headline of his column and, quite frankly, it explains everything I’m feeling perfectly.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in things emotionally that when someone criticizes what we love, we fly off the deep end, which I'm guessing is what happened with the reader who called Mueller "disgusting" and a sick son of a female dog. (How she knows this I have no idea. I didn't even realize Mueller was feeling under the weather, and I've met his mother and she's a wonderful lady.)

What Donnely says in his column is that there are much more serious news stories happening in the world to get emotional about. Yeah, it sucks that Barbaro bit it, but hello, there are still children starving to death in Darfur, and I'm pretty sure there's a large portion of New Orleans laid to waste.

Troops are still getting killed in Iraq. A former NASA astronaut allegedly flew off the handle and tried to murder someone. Hell, even a Snickers add that some are deeming "homophobic" is creating a stir. These are all infinitely more topical and important to our society than the death of a racehorse. Where are the letters about these things?

Do any students realize that we still don't know where all the tuition we pay goes to? How about the fact that tuition will inevitably rise next year; the State College Borough Council is trying to tax alcoholic drinks at bars; St. Patrick's day was just moved to March 2 so that students can still get wasted before Spring Break. Doesn't anyone care about these things?

We got one letter today about the kid who was jumped and beaten with metal rods. One letter compared to almost 50 letters the Collegian and Mueller received about a horse.

Where do our priorities lie?