Surreal news

Do you ever read something that just makes you say, "What the heck?"

No?

Do you live in a cave?

Well in that case, here are a couple news stories that should make you scratch your head, laugh, and wonder about the stupidity of your fellow citizens:

In Florida a man decided to smoke crack cocaine and woke up naked in the mouth of an alligator. Authorities had to wade into waste-deep mud and wrestle the man from the gator's mouth, like a toy from a dog. The man lost an arm and severely broke his other arm.
Lesson: Don't smoke crack cocaine and go wading. (Don't smoke crack cocaine.)

In San Francisco sea lions are terrorizing local beach-goers. A renegade sea lion has bitten 14 different individuals. Our assistant sports editor, Dan Winklebleck has a theory that Steven Spielberg is responsible for this. After the movie Jaws people went crazy and started killing off sharks left and right, which led to a mass increase in sea lion population. And now we're seeing the consequence.
Lesson: When you see a sea lion, run like hell.

Prince Charles recently released a cook book. Have you seen this guy? He looks like he's been dead for 20 years. Whatever he's eating I want no part of. Plus it's organic food, so it's got to be pure rubbish.
Lesson: When you're already rich, don't try to branch out.

What’s a two-letter synonym for a disgusting excuse for a human being?

O.J.

If you haven’t heard yet, O.J. Simpson plans a book and TV interview to discuss how, hypothetically, he could have killed his ex-wife and her friend — a story his book publisher considers "his confession," according to an article on CNN.com.

I’ve got a 5$ bet that says the Goldman family won’t see a dime of the money Simpson owes them from the civil trial where he was found liable for Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman’s death.
How much does he owe again? Oh, that’s right: $33.5 million.

How low does your self-respect have to be to discuss how you "hypothetically" would have murdered an already-dead victim?

I can’t even imagine how his kids must feel.
‘Hey did you hear Dad’s writing a book about how he would have killed Mom?’

Simpson is obviously trying to cash in on his notoriety and, unfortunately, it’s going to work. Millions of people are going to tune into Fox to see his "confession," and his book will be a best seller.

Is this really the world we live in?

The most wonderful time of the year

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Well, really, elections are probably only wonderful for journalists who love covering politics.

For politicians and political die hards, it's the culmination of a lot of working, hoping and praying. For everyone else, it means the end of all the annoying commericals seen on TV and election pamphlets stuck in the front door.

If this election proved anything, it says that one party really can win an election by blaming the other. Apparently, setting out a cohesive set of individual policy ideas isn't always necessary.

It's the 2006 version of the women's movement...

But Tuesday night had enough twists and turns to keep everyone interested. In case you missed it, we will likely have a female Speaker of the House for the first time in history. Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., who helped organize the Democratic takeover is probably one of the happiest people on earth right now as she will more than likely ascend to the speaker's office. Bye bye, Denny Hastert.

Those good ol' boys are still trying to hang on...

The Senate will probably be up in the air for a few weeks. Although James Webb (D) declared victory in Virginia, Sen. George Allen (R) isn't about to give up his seat without a fight. Looks like Allen's presidential aspirations just hit a dead end.

If you give a legislator a pay raise...

Oh, and then there are those rockin' state assembly races. The anti-pay raise activists were still chomping at the bit, and minority whip, Rep. Mike Veon (D) was the victim. Bye Mike. That's what happens when you tell voters you're going to take their money and keep it for yourself and your friends.

In a game of cat and mouse..

Really, the best story of the election came out of Allentown, where a voter believed that Republicans were conspiring to take over the election by rigging the electronic voting machines. So, he attacked the machine with a cat paperweight. Poor kitty cat.

Oh, and did anybody really expect Swann to win?

Close, but no cigar

You know it’s almost Election Day when politicians come trolling into town.

It’s been a busy week at Penn State. Gov. Ed Rendell was here on Tuesday, Lynn Swann came Wednesday and Bob Casey comes today. They all want our vote, or so it seems.
But interestingly enough, Swann didn’t make it to campus. Well, he came to the Penn Stater Hotel Conference Center, but in case he didn’t notice, students don’t really go out that way.

You might make the trek if you are a die-hard GOP fan who wants to meet the gubernatorial candidate. Or, if you have classes at Innovation Park or work at the hotel, you might be able to stop in for a chat.

But for most students, meeting the GOP candidate wasn’t an option.

Rendell spoke to a standing room crowd in the HUB. He talked policy and answered questions at an event hosted by College Democrats. He easily deflected criticism, and plugged his record as Governor. He talked about tuition and jobs for students once they graduate.

Swann, in contrast, visited the Centre County Business Industry Expo at the conference center.

Hey Mr. Swann, in case you missed it, Penn State students vote. Yes, overall, student turnout across the country has never been high. But if you were on campus during the 2004 election, you would have noticed that lines were out the door to vote at the HUB.

Groups have been working incredibly hard to register students to vote this fall, and Penn State students will vote. Also, contrary to popular belief, not all college students are liberal. And, there are student voters who haven’t made up their mind yet about which candidates they like.

So, at the biggest university in the commonwealth, you’d think students would get the chance to see all the candidates.

Mr. Swann, please come to campus and let students at least see you before Election Day. Students want a choice this Election Day. But, you’re not really letting them see that choice.