Collegian: News

All the news that's fit to blog

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Booty-licious

While sifting through the laundry list of recent headlines (Gonzalez is doomed, Anna Nicole's overdose, British hostages) a wise sensei hinted to story that's only been surpassed, in my mind, by the plight of little Knut — see below.

It appears, my friends, that cavemen liked the ba-donk-a-donk.

For those of you not with it, wikipedia.org informs me that a badonkadonk "is a slang term for a woman's buttocks that are voluptuously large and firm, yet bouncy."

Now that we've got that established, I'll explain.

In an article found on Discovery.com, recent findings show that cavemen may have preferred their women with a little meat on their bones. Paleontologists have discovered flint figurines carved as women with lots of... assets.

According to the article, "Most of the carvings show a slight curve in the breast area. Very exaggerated curves depict the buttocks, while tiny rounded tops served as heads." That's right men, booty is beautiful.

Paleontologists believe the carvings were probably done by "young men." Imagine that.

Maybe it's because mammoth is a fatty meat, or perhaps having men with clubs drag you around by your hair required extra padding against brushburns and stray rocks. Either way, it appears that while today's society is trying to de-carb, un-fat and sweat off our tushies — prehistoric papas were all about the feminine form.

So perhaps thin is chic now, but 15,000 years ago voluptuous vixens were hot. Maybe instead of starving ourselves we should take a lesson from our ancestors — after all, they did discover fire.

So ladies, live in the spirit of the cavewomen and enjoy your sugar-filled lattes and carb-filled burger and fries. And please, above all else, don't be afraid to shake what your momma gave ya.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

He's just a little guy...

I'm a bleeding heart for all things cute and cuddly. So when I was perusing CNN.com a few days ago and spotted a photo of a cute little polar bear looking adoringly at the camera, I immediately ooh-ed, ahh-ed and clicked to read more.

The first thing that caught my eye in the article: "The zoo must kill the bear."

Beg your pardon?

I'll explain...Knut — a little ball of polar bear fluff, was ignored by his Mama after birth and so zookeepers at the Berlin Zoo decided to handfeed and raise him. Stellar of them, right? But some animal rights activists believe the bear would be better off dead.

Yes, dead.

These activists believe it's in the best interest of the bear to put the little guy to sleep, because if zookeepers raise him, he may not ever be able to fit in with his polar bear friends. Clearly being dead is a better option than having awkward social moments.

Things like this make me wonder if people should need a license to breed and pass on their genes.

Yes, I'm aware cute little Knut eventually grows into a gigantic killing machine, but for now he's just a little guy who just wants a bottle and a nap.

We've got a war going on a little south of Deustchland fellas. If you're really trying to protest something, take all that energy you're spending on trying to give Knut the axe and put it to better use.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Last dance with Mary Jane...

Captain America is dead. Britney Spears may be the anti-Christ. Scoot’s guilty. With so much material, how is it I had so much trouble trying to think of something write about?

Perhaps it’s because I could give a rat’s fanny about what Ms. Spears is doing with her time, I’m not entirely convinced Scooter’s going to prison and the only Captain that matters in my life works best in a pina colada. But then I saw an article on CNN.com, and I knew I found my muse.

On Monday, CNN reported that police in Texas, who were searching for stolen goods, found a video that appears to show teenagers convincing a 2-year-old and his 5-year-old older brother to smoke some pot.

Yes, you read that right. A toddler and his kindergarten-aged brother were allegedly shown how to smoke a doobie.

What is going on in this world?

Bruce Ure, director of public safety for the Watauga Police Department, told CNN that the video showed the teenagers laughing while the kids stumbled around. These kids should be watching Blue’s Clues, not getting the munchies for cheerios and apple juice.

The article said the teenagers are being charged with third-degree felony charges.

We live in a scary world. Nuclear bombs are falling into the hands of lunatics in power. KFed is starting to look like the lesser of the two evils for Sean Preston and Sutton Pierce (or is it Jayden James). Did anyone ever figure out what they named babe #2? But nukes and war don't scare me nearly as much as the fact that someone in this world thinks it is OK to teach a toddler how to smoke a joint.

We're worried about terrorists from other countries invading our country and ruining our lives, but maybe we should be more concerned with what's going on in our own backyard.

That's the scary stuff.